Forbidden feelings

I though that at some point I would be old enough, not just in age, but in feelings too..so that I can control them..So that I'll be able to instruct when they will react, grow and become alive..For many years, I believed I had managed..I thought I was in total control..Maybe it sounds strange coming from me, as I was always telling everyone that we must live our emotions and let them free...

But deep inside, I knew very well, that I too was the victim of a particular ideology since my childhood..I consciously fought it cause it was something I didn't like..But in the end the childish soul and mind are perfect to build and define what you want for the future of human relationships..Very few get away from what others have instructed as right and wrong.. You live, you grow always guided by the moral rules and the ideology you've been taught..

And yet..sometime you start talking to him..nothing special..just a simple small talk..And the fourth dimension curves and at some point you realize that that simple talk is lasting much more, it's being painted by the colour of flirt and has created an unconscious addiction that leads to everyday communication.. Your breath is waiting every day for his first reaction to get into rhythm again..A message from him and the obvious universal chaos becomes a logical continuity..You travel along the universe..without feeling the loss of homeland..it's a journey that you want more and more..a journey that you seek..

It reminds you of when you were a child and you were eating those candies..you never got bored of them..one more and I'm done you said..but you weren't..you wanted one more..and one more.. And suddenly, like you made a leap in time, you're in the street...at night...after dinner...on a hot autumn night...And there he is...in front of you...looking you in the eyes...Next moment you were tasting love on his lips...In a kiss like a swirl that doesn't however cause you fear, but instead makes you let yourself free to enjoy the influence it has on you...on your thoughts, on your body, on your emotions...You don't hear something breaking...you don;t feel something demolishing...it does what you've always dreamt it would...You let your feelings guide you...and now...this moment you are living them...You don't caer about the consequences...Let them be whatever...what you're living now would have been lost...

You softly bite his lips, your tongues slowly, erotically touch each other, your lips explore...and all those become so naturally...they fit so perfectly to the moment, to you, to him...You pull back and slowly open your eyes like coming back from a dream...and he is right there...You just realize that there's another world...beyond the one they had built for you and you had just found the way in...At first it blinds you...you shut your eyes until you get used and when you can see clearly again you stay there...dazed, looking at what is spread in front of you...You're trying to photograph well in your memory everything you see, cause in a while you'll have to pull back from that beautiful new world...

You don't want to...but you have to...you walk with your back towards the door not wanting to lose anything...The door shuts right there in front of you...but your heart is already in...and that's where it belongs...She will guide you into exploring this new world....next time....

xoxo
B.

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Love with words...

I'm trying to find a way to start writing all those feelings I have for you, but it's so damn hard..How can I really describe them?! Words filling my head..creating a chaos, desperately trying to get on paper...

Every word has the same meaning..to describe with the same intensity all those feelings...How can I give you their image? Words seem to be so little compared to what's inside my heart...I'm in love with you...the only phrase that carries it all inside....

And yet, when I tell you I have the impression it doesn't sound as intense as what I really feel...no matter how I say it, no matter how loud I yell...I'll never be able to imprint the intensity of my emotions..

If I could touch you the moment I'm telling you I'm in love with you, you would feel me..If I could look you in the eyes, you would understand me..If I could kiss you touching your lips, you would sense me..If I could make love with you, you would taste me..

And then? Then our "communication" would disappear again and I would still be looking for a way to tell you how much in love I am...but I can't stop feeling it. The words coming out of my mouth or my touch may end at some point..but how I feel about you won't...it's continuous...never-ending...

That's why I decided to write to you..I'm writing it and it stays forever..I'm writing it and it becomes alive by all those who'll read it..it'll remain there..it'll wait..alive...

Every heart that will beat differently reading my I love you will connect with my heartbeat and make it stronger..Every tear that will be shed by those who read will conect with mine and make my need for you bigger...Every shiver that will run through the bodies of those that whisper the words I write will connect with mine and make the feeling of your presence more intense...

I close my eyes and imagine you here..The quietness that surrounds me is similar to the one when you hold me tight in your arms..and yet, it's not the same..it lacks your heartbeat, your smell, your touch..And yet, you are not there but I still tremble..I keep my eyes closed...I don't see you...I see emotions...but I feel your presence...

I'm lost in a cloud of colours and feelings..I'm afraid to open my eyes in case I lose you..I'm anxious..how will I ever be able to express all these? How could I give you all those that I feel? I want them to be yours..cause you make my feelings arise..you're the reason..you're the source..they belong to you...

Love, agony, lust, waiting...they all have your perfume, your taste, are unique..don't fit to anyone else...

I can write 5 words...or keep writing until my ink finishes..And it'll still won't be enough to tell you how I feel..So I'll let this get in the minds and the hearts of all those who'll read it..so that it'll grow..and will live forever..like the wind that never stops..

I will let you wander in everybody's hearts and become the image of the right partner for each..they'll know that I've found him..and what they're looking for is what could never become mine....

xoxo
B.

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In the magic world of feelings..

It's those moments that something touches my feelings. A music, an image, a lyric, a word. And they awaken. Like from an eternal sleep. They stretch their being, as a baby just waking up from the sweetest sleep. And they start to move. And I begin to feel them. I feel their game. They run inside my brain, find the most sensitive parts of my mind, making them alive and start playing hide and seek in my body.

A feeling finds the door of my heart open and hides there. And there I shine of joy. Another one makes a long journey till my feet. And then I dance. A very creative one reaches my fingers. And then I write. I write without stopping. A discreet feeling reaches my eyes and makes me cry.

They invite me to play hide and seek. Slowly walking towards the only path that leads to my world of emotions I'm trying to discover them. I seek and seek. But they hide so well that I don't manage to catch.

Sometimes I can pick up a tear, others a smile, a heartbeat, a dance move. They have the essence of my feelings. It's so simple to recognize and yet so hard to see, to understand, to give them shape.

Other times, they don't feel like playing. They escape my existence and go for a deep sleep in that light blue cloud in the red sky of feeling's magic land.

I walk alone on the magic path, but no matter how hard I yell, I get no responce. And when my feet hurt from walking, I sit on a rock and wish I had the magic wand of a fairy, so that I could wake them up whenever I wanted. To have just that. To need neither the music, nor the images, not the words, in order to feel all that aliveness.

I tiringly close my eyes and fall into a sweet sleep..there..at the end of the magic path. My dream is magical. Full of colours and music. Laughters, smiles, tears, wishes. Suddenly they all leave and all there's left is darkness. It frightens me in the beginning. I want to wake up. But I'm being patient and keep dreaming..and the reward is big. In a while, a shining light pears through the darkness and my dream is filled with shine, light, colours and a thousand wonderful feelings that make me fly with joy..

I wake up. I smile. I understand. I return home. And I wait! I shall feel again!

xoxo
B.

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I bought me an illusion

I gifted myself an image, 

faces trapped in mirrors of people I greedily desired.. 

I gifted myself a memory, 

a night with the radio on and sweat shining on our chests.. 

I gifted myself a love, 

I held her in my hands for a while, I played a little and then she unsashamedly climbed and snicked inside of me.. 

I gifted myself an illusion, 

that loneliness can be beared, that pain got tired, that tomorrow shall not come..

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My small, stupid, romantic soul

We undersold our dreams, our friends, our souls..
What can we do with the friends who betrayed us? What can we do with all those who betray aand hurt just like that, with no reason, with no excuse?
I don't want anymore of those and I don't want all who have been in my life with an expiration date..
I'm not a tin, I don't want tins. I want people real, who mean everything they say and don't undersell relationships special and rare..
People who mean the "i love you"s and know to appreciate the friendship that they offer and receive..
And if they sold us, I now undersell, loves and dreams, eternal friendships and words that fly..
No more fake interest, no more ego and in God's name, no more promises..
Words and hypocricy came and choked me..the glass got full and I got lost in words decorated with ribbons..
In the end, naked truth is all that is left, so much that a human soul cannot bear..
It's the complaint that is drowning me, it's that I lose all those that I've invested soul on and got lies in return..
It's that it took me long to understand and I saw the truth in front of me, shattering..
My small, stupid, romantic soul, that you feared of people and you turned fear into steps to climb and see things clearly and you faced glances that had nothing to tell you anymore..
I wonder, did they ever talk to you or was it everything a creation of your thirsty need?
We've had enough of friends who look only of themselves, we satisfied our thirst showered in wine by everything that had been heard in the name of friendship..
We undersold because circumstances imposed humility and simplicity..
What we got and what we gave, let them go to hell, someone else is gonna come..
We will sell again flourishes and superiority until the river passes and takes evrything with rabid intensity..
A bridge is gonna collapse and the past is gonna shatter..
We will wash in the running water and unwounded we shall move forward and joke ourself that nothing happened and we'll forget deepened in our routine..
We'll drown our truth into barels with the water of oblivion..
What if some people hurt and some get hurt?
For what friendship are you talking to me about?
For what endless nights were you telling me?
For what special people were you saying?
We undersell, the few that we have left, because even they have ended up in pain..
I stick with my mistakes, my "why"s and my memories...

xoxo
B.

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Silent words

I stayed up late last night..Watching the city lights from my bedroom window.. In the end, with the modern life rhythms, the hours we have for ourselves are few.. They may even be just some small, precious moments..
I don't know why, but now that summer's over and autumn is timidly making an appearance, there are times that I feel the imperative need to stay all alone, with only company the melodies and my thoughts..Every melody and a thought..Every thought and a feeling..Every feeling and the knowledge that you're still alive.. Alive in a daily routine that you can't catch. In a daily routine that princes ceased existing and men never have what you seek..
Why can't it be ok that i have the demand of someone understanding and supporting me, just like I want to do? Why can't it be ok that I have the demand of someone listening to the words I'll never tell? How far away from us is PERFECT? Or is it that we just haven't opened our eyes to see it?
How hard do we make our own life? Or is it really hard? Sometimes I think I live behind the world. In a world that men care to search for your soul.. I live in the back world and believe me it is VERY BEAUTIFUL..
Maybe a little lonely and melancholic..just until you find what you're looking for..Until you realise that nothing comes in our life for no reason. That if, even at the most bitter moment you have the courage to breathe, you will have found the way to turn every melodrama of your life into an operrete.
When i was younger, i couldn't understand why i shoul dnot behave badly, offer whenever i could and mostly love with no conditions, no criterias and arrangements.
Now, i have finally found myself. I got of course "screwed" a lot of times, but I've learned that even with my wings broken, I still can fly. Even if they have hurt me..Even if I've been alone sometimes..I have found what had been hiding inside of me. The most chosen essence of my soul..
Now all that is left to receive, is the most beautiful present that can be offered to you. A love with an eternal rhythm, endless like the music and invincible..

xoxo
B.

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Loss came and became a habit

I was once again left with the pen in my hand, looking at a blank piece of paper. I had nothing to say, nothing to write, as if my inside just emptied and the words couldn't fit in my void. I don't know if it was the words that seemed poor or the void that was refusing to get filled.

Loss came and became a habit...

Loss..What did I have to lose and what did I lose that I didn't have? It seems like the desert and the tear that drops burns the cheeks, the eyes stink, but I keep staring at the emptiness waiting for nothing.

It's not guilt, it's fear. The fear that makes the mind get stuck and the soul to empty. The fear that defeated romance, love, came to the heart and made her bleed. Like a modern fairytale that doesn't always have a happy and envious ending. An ending that symbolizes the beginning of the isolation, and what stays is the loss...

I don't want to see the ending that I caused...

I want to stay here, looking at the blank piece of paper...

xoxo
B.

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It's payback...

She's almost ready. A last brush on her hair and off she goes. She looks at her watch. Where is he? He's late. The phone ringing interrupts her thoughts. She picks up.

- Hey baby.
- Hey. Where are you? I'm ready and waiting.
- You know...I won't be able to make it. I had a sudden business meeting, a client I should definitely meet.
 
She frowns, but doesn't show.
- Ok! That's fine. We'll talk tomorrow.

Fine, it's ok. Sh*t happen. But she's determined not to let this ruin her mood. She'll go out anyway.

She goes to the usual bar, with that rock music she loves. She enters, greets some friends and then suddenly...she sees him. He's sitting at the bar with a blonde little bimbo giglling, hanging on him while he leaves a kiss on her lips.

Their eyes cross and he seems to freeze. He loses it, but she just sends a casual nod. Turns her back and keeps talking with her friends. In seconds she sees him grab Barbie and rush out.

Next day the phone just keeps ringing. She finally answers after a couple of days with a lazy "Yeeeees..."

- Hey baby! Where have you been lost all these days?
- Who is this?
- What do you mean who is this???!!! How many people call you "baby"?
- Aaaaaah...Hey, what's up?
- What do you mean what's up? I asked you a question and you didn't answer!
- I, on the other hand, don't remember asking you anything, although I should.

 ................................................

 Silence... Awkardness...

- Are you talking about the other night? My business meeting got cancelled babe and I went out with a childhood friend.
- ΟΚ.
- What does Ok mean? Don't you believe me?
- Of course...of course i believe you. Besides, that's why I didn't even ask you.
- Are we going out?
- Certainly.

She devoted three hours to get ready. When she finally finished, the outcome was at least provocative. Black dress with a mao neck, and on the back a V opening starting from the shoulders until right below the waist, carefully hidden by the long wavy hair. High heels make her 1.75+.

He sees her and remains in shock. She looks at him and laughs inside, doing everything possible to challenge him.

And the night flows magically....

- Baby, it's 2 am. Shall we go?
- Yes, but where?
- Do you want to go to my place?

She smiles and gives him a kiss.

Arriving home, she takes off her shoes and starts unzipping her dress going towards the bathroom. She returns with a towel wrapped around her body and water drops shining on her skin.
She sits on him, grabs his hands and "locks" them behind his head.

- Today..is my game.

She starts exploring him from the tips of his fingers down to his face, his chest, his belly, between his legs... Wherever her fingers pass, her tongue follows. His breath becomes heavy, irregular. She plays with him and right before the end, stops. She brings him in new levels of pleasure, making him feel like he had never before. She watches him losing control, hears him moan, talk incoherently, fully surrender. She pushes him inside her and starts moving gently. She picks up the rhythm and stops, only to start all the way from the beginning. She keeps holding his hands over his head. Her hair fall on his chest and his face, but he doesn't understand anything. He lives with every pore of his existence the ultimate pleasure.

She starts moving faster and suddenly she remains completely still. He opens his eyes wondering, ready to ask: "why?" but doesn't have the time. She tightens her muscles, locking him again and again and again. The wondering trasforms into a long "aaaaaahhh!!!!" as he finishes.

She lets him calm and gets up. Takes the towel and moves towards the bathroom.

- Where are you going?
- I'll have a shower and be back.

She lets the water running and gets dressed. Opens the door slowly and returns in the room. He listens to the water and is surprised seeing her dressed in front of him. He looks at her dreamily approaching him. If the dictionary had a picture under the word surprrise, it would definitely be his.

She raises the ashtray and leaves a euro-bill underneath.
- I should normally ask for change, because your "services" aren't worth that much. But tonight, I'm in a good mood, so never mind. Keep it.

She turns her back, opens the door and slowly closes it behind her.

Tonight’s the night I shed my wicked soul...

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I want...

Someone told me that life is much simpler than what I imagine..That I just have to decide what I want to do with the time given to me. Very optimistic opinion..quite encouraging. Reminds me I have control, that I define my destiny and I have the power to accomplish anything, as long as I truly want it. "Time being given to me". This is what I have..
How strange is time..So simple and daily I think I know everything about it. Einstein taught me about its relativity. Hawking took me on a journey to its chronicle. Theories capable to alter my opinion on the universe, creation, life, even on my own self. Knowledge is undoubtedly a great conquer, but sometimes ignorance is a blessing. I don't want to rule the universe, the stars and the cosmo-theories.
My eye catches the laptop clock. Even if I don't entirely know what time is, I sit here watching seconds pass me by. A black hole that devours my time...slowly steals what's been given to me. I've lost enough..so let me get back to my goal.
"Time being given to me". This is what I have..I look at the same sentence over and over again. I realize it has a riddle even harder than time itself.. "Being given to me"...
That clearly declares that there's sth behind it all. Someone must have given it to me. Who was so nice to me to give me that chance? What have I done to deserve it and what price is there to pay? Is there a right and wrong way to manage my gift and if yes how am I going to discover it? Do I really define my own destiny or am I an observer to my act, with my world as the background and my life as the script? In which chess board am I the pawn that moves forward only and fights hoping it will one day become the queen?
I get lost in my thoughts again..Why can't I ever control my mind and focus on what I want to say? I just need to decide what I want to do with what was given to me. I don't care who or why..
"Decide what I want to do"..that is the target.
How easy it seems..I wonder how I hadn't thought of it earlier. The whole truth, the mystery of life summed up in one simple sentence. Anything I want is around me, waiting for me. I just need to have strong will and faith in my capabilities to get it. I just need to cease the day, to grab the chance. I can do that. How stupid I've been for so long. Why did I have to wait so much to discover this? Now I know..I have but to decide what I want to do with the time given to me. Words in this sentence are so powerful that I'm shaken. A slap on my face that woke me up..
"Decide what I want to do"..that is the target. So..WHAT is it that I want to do??
Eyes look at the clock again. How much time passed since I asked me what I want to do? No..I won't let my mind fall in the same trap again. I'll count time in another way. A glass of wine. That is how long it has been. And in the meantime, dozens of thoughts..All of my desires, all of my wishes. Why haven't I been able to write any of them down? Why do I find it so hard to answer? The question is so simple..what do I want to do in my life..Why haven't I been able to write some of the things I've thought of? What prevented me from doing that?
The glass gets filled with wine from the village again and the fingers touch the keyboard..
"Decide what I want". That is the target. So what do i want?
The clock keeps counting time in its own special way. It keeps slowly and steadily swallowing my precious time, the gift I was given. I realize my first thoughts when listening to the question didn't manage to find a place in this text for a simple reason. That the first spontaneous reaction of my mind was covering basic needs and urges. A subconscious reaction instictively made. Things, people and situations that could make me joyfull, but not happy. Some of them I already have. Some I might never get. It doesn't really matter. Nobody asked me what I want to have, but what I want to do. I've lost the target once again..
I have but to decide what I want to do with the time that's been given to me. I bring in my head the image of the guy who asked me. Calm, serene, wise, makes you think he knows everything. I can read his mind..what was he going to tell me if he could read mine..

"Pff..what do you FINALLY want???"

I want to stand in front of me and be able to look me in the eyes, without ever look down out of shame..
I want to find the strength to keep smiling, even when my eyes are crying..
I want to keep standing and look straight in the eyes of those who hurt me..
I want to find answers to give to my heart each time she asks me "why?"
I want to be strong enough to remain loyal to my beliefs..to honor them..
And if I leave this world with nothing..to at least save my soul..

Mum do you hear? Dad? I want to not let a day go by that I won't show u my love. To not let my mind forget even for a moment the immeasurable gratitude for all the things you have done for me..

Do you hear my friend? I want to be next to you to your sorrows and your joys. To be there when you fall, to give you my hand and pick you up. To carry your burdens on my shoulders and make you rest.

And you, my sweet prince, that you look me in the eyes and ask me what do I want, do you hear?
I want to open my arms, to hug you and hide you there from everything that frightens you. To heal your wounds, to warm your heart, to make your pain mine.. To fill you with colors, sounds, smells and tastes. To give to you the most beautiful thing I have, all these hidden inside me, waiting for you to come and take..

And from you, life, for me I want these..
I want a horse strong as the earth and fast as the wind.
A shiny sword like a star in flames and loyal like the best of friends. An armour light as a feather and resistant like the skin of a dragon. I want you to travel me to sinful worlds, with creatures full of hatred and evil. Where I will know who is my enemy, with what I'm fighting and what I'm trying to win..

xoxo B.

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Dolls never cry...

Dolls never cry... They are tired. Tears have dried. Besides, who would want a doll with tears? This isn't why they exist. Those baby-toys were made for crying. Pencil soldiers were made for pain. Puppies with sad eyes and shaking tails were made for compassion.

Dolls never cry... Their cheeks are carefully covered with blush. On their lips red lipstick shines. Their beaded, silky long dresses are bright clean and smell freshness.

Their eyes! Their beautiful shiny eyes, locked in the castle of black eyelashes, are so bright!

Dolls never cry...

If they do, the tear will escape from the castle and will become black from makeup. During its journey, it will destroy the blush, ruin the lipstick and stain the silky dress.

This is why dolls always have a stone heart. A heart so strong, capable of holding inside an entire, fierce ocean of tears...and a hope...

That someday dresses are gonna get old, shiny hair are gonna get dull. And then, two hands are gonna throw them in a dark corner.

And there... they're gonna cry. They're gonna cry a lot. Tears will make them beautiful! Really beautiful! Alive! Real!!!

xoxo
B.

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Know me..

...Don't try to become my friend. I deserve something more. Know me. Maybe we can become friends. Don't help me even if that makes you feel good. Ask me if I need your help. Don't admire me. The desire to live a full life doesn't justify worship. Don't tell, don't correct, don't guide. Listen, support, follow. Don't work on me. Work with me...

xoxo
B.

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Stay still...

There are times when you want to relax your body, calm your soul and put your thoughts in order.. You're trying to steal away moments from your daily routine, in order to devote them to yourself, but something always stops you. A strange thought that forges into your mind, a phone call that you regret answering, an unexpected visit, which makes you wish you had the lights off. You are trying to find yourself but you can't...they don't let you! So what do you do? Simple...you leave...
You gather a few clothes and get in a train, airplane, bus or your car..You enjoy the ride with the different colour variations of the road and you stop to the first place that will make you feel most at home, most beautiful, most relaxed. You stop to a place where nobody knows you, where nobody can start a conversation you don't want to.
You turn your mobile off and reveal the whole truth to yourself. The good ones, the bad ones, the mistakes you made, the right choices, the feelings, everything! You present yourself without hiding anything. You empty your past, you live your present, so that you can love and live your future.
"Lick your loneliness like a dog that licks its wound and listen to the ice cold quietness" And then...
And then...let your senses be conquered by the sounds, the images, the lights, the voices of the children, of the grownups, of the sea, of the moon.
Free your being and let the wind whisper words unsaid, sweet, tender, strong, intense, but above all clean!!!
Let the stars make a conspiracy with the universe to each protect you from above, there...in the middle of nowhere!!
Let yourself to all the things that you couldn't, didn't want to or were afraid of. Let yourself to a world unknown, unique, wonderful like two bodies becoming one, hugged, in complete harmony. All this world is...YOU...know him!

xoxo
B.

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First Week

Sunday today and the weather is freezing cold!! Time to relax and enjoy the indoors..:) So, it's almost a week since i started my new years resolutions.. I'm glad to announce i lost almost 2.2. pounds!!!! It's not much but, hey, it's a start!! :p
I haven't really changed much in my diet. Can't seem to live and breathe without sweets..lol But i have substituted sugar in my coffee and tea with stevia. Stevia is a plant also known as sweetleaf.
I have also started exercising and i must say that i LOVE it!! I'm 30 and i could never imagine myself getting up in the morning just to exercise. I always told ppl that i just cannot do it and was wondering why on earth can't they understand that!! I tell u that i CAN do it and it's the best thing u can do!!! You feel energized for the rest of the day!!
Since i was totally out of shape I started with 10 mins on a treadmill and raised the time a little each day. I've now reached 30 mins of jogging!
Tomorrow, i'm starting my afternoon routine too. Strength exercises and some yoga. I'll let u know how that turns out. ;)

xoxo
B.

Here's a video i hope u'll enjoy!!

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Mistletoe And Holly

Hello world!!! :-) Tomorrow is the first day of December and can't wait for xmas to come!!
Here is one of my favourite Frank Sinatra songs!! :-)

xoxo
B.

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Rum & Coca Cola

Another one of my favourite songs that remind me of Christmas time..:-)

xoxo
B.

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Xmas is getting closer...

It's 18th of November..Christmas is so close!! :-)
So..let's get a little in the mood..;-)

xoxo
B.

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