Forbidden feelings

I though that at some point I would be old enough, not just in age, but in feelings too..so that I can control them..So that I'll be able to instruct when they will react, grow and become alive..For many years, I believed I had managed..I thought I was in total control..Maybe it sounds strange coming from me, as I was always telling everyone that we must live our emotions and let them free...

But deep inside, I knew very well, that I too was the victim of a particular ideology since my childhood..I consciously fought it cause it was something I didn't like..But in the end the childish soul and mind are perfect to build and define what you want for the future of human relationships..Very few get away from what others have instructed as right and wrong.. You live, you grow always guided by the moral rules and the ideology you've been taught..

And yet..sometime you start talking to him..nothing special..just a simple small talk..And the fourth dimension curves and at some point you realize that that simple talk is lasting much more, it's being painted by the colour of flirt and has created an unconscious addiction that leads to everyday communication.. Your breath is waiting every day for his first reaction to get into rhythm again..A message from him and the obvious universal chaos becomes a logical continuity..You travel along the universe..without feeling the loss of homeland..it's a journey that you want more and more..a journey that you seek..

It reminds you of when you were a child and you were eating those candies..you never got bored of them..one more and I'm done you said..but you weren't..you wanted one more..and one more.. And suddenly, like you made a leap in time, you're in the street...at night...after dinner...on a hot autumn night...And there he is...in front of you...looking you in the eyes...Next moment you were tasting love on his lips...In a kiss like a swirl that doesn't however cause you fear, but instead makes you let yourself free to enjoy the influence it has on you...on your thoughts, on your body, on your emotions...You don't hear something breaking...you don;t feel something demolishing...it does what you've always dreamt it would...You let your feelings guide you...and now...this moment you are living them...You don't caer about the consequences...Let them be whatever...what you're living now would have been lost...

You softly bite his lips, your tongues slowly, erotically touch each other, your lips explore...and all those become so naturally...they fit so perfectly to the moment, to you, to him...You pull back and slowly open your eyes like coming back from a dream...and he is right there...You just realize that there's another world...beyond the one they had built for you and you had just found the way in...At first it blinds you...you shut your eyes until you get used and when you can see clearly again you stay there...dazed, looking at what is spread in front of you...You're trying to photograph well in your memory everything you see, cause in a while you'll have to pull back from that beautiful new world...

You don't want to...but you have to...you walk with your back towards the door not wanting to lose anything...The door shuts right there in front of you...but your heart is already in...and that's where it belongs...She will guide you into exploring this new world....next time....

xoxo
B.

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Love with words...

I'm trying to find a way to start writing all those feelings I have for you, but it's so damn hard..How can I really describe them?! Words filling my head..creating a chaos, desperately trying to get on paper...

Every word has the same meaning..to describe with the same intensity all those feelings...How can I give you their image? Words seem to be so little compared to what's inside my heart...I'm in love with you...the only phrase that carries it all inside....

And yet, when I tell you I have the impression it doesn't sound as intense as what I really feel...no matter how I say it, no matter how loud I yell...I'll never be able to imprint the intensity of my emotions..

If I could touch you the moment I'm telling you I'm in love with you, you would feel me..If I could look you in the eyes, you would understand me..If I could kiss you touching your lips, you would sense me..If I could make love with you, you would taste me..

And then? Then our "communication" would disappear again and I would still be looking for a way to tell you how much in love I am...but I can't stop feeling it. The words coming out of my mouth or my touch may end at some point..but how I feel about you won't...it's continuous...never-ending...

That's why I decided to write to you..I'm writing it and it stays forever..I'm writing it and it becomes alive by all those who'll read it..it'll remain there..it'll wait..alive...

Every heart that will beat differently reading my I love you will connect with my heartbeat and make it stronger..Every tear that will be shed by those who read will conect with mine and make my need for you bigger...Every shiver that will run through the bodies of those that whisper the words I write will connect with mine and make the feeling of your presence more intense...

I close my eyes and imagine you here..The quietness that surrounds me is similar to the one when you hold me tight in your arms..and yet, it's not the same..it lacks your heartbeat, your smell, your touch..And yet, you are not there but I still tremble..I keep my eyes closed...I don't see you...I see emotions...but I feel your presence...

I'm lost in a cloud of colours and feelings..I'm afraid to open my eyes in case I lose you..I'm anxious..how will I ever be able to express all these? How could I give you all those that I feel? I want them to be yours..cause you make my feelings arise..you're the reason..you're the source..they belong to you...

Love, agony, lust, waiting...they all have your perfume, your taste, are unique..don't fit to anyone else...

I can write 5 words...or keep writing until my ink finishes..And it'll still won't be enough to tell you how I feel..So I'll let this get in the minds and the hearts of all those who'll read it..so that it'll grow..and will live forever..like the wind that never stops..

I will let you wander in everybody's hearts and become the image of the right partner for each..they'll know that I've found him..and what they're looking for is what could never become mine....

xoxo
B.

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In the magic world of feelings..

It's those moments that something touches my feelings. A music, an image, a lyric, a word. And they awaken. Like from an eternal sleep. They stretch their being, as a baby just waking up from the sweetest sleep. And they start to move. And I begin to feel them. I feel their game. They run inside my brain, find the most sensitive parts of my mind, making them alive and start playing hide and seek in my body.

A feeling finds the door of my heart open and hides there. And there I shine of joy. Another one makes a long journey till my feet. And then I dance. A very creative one reaches my fingers. And then I write. I write without stopping. A discreet feeling reaches my eyes and makes me cry.

They invite me to play hide and seek. Slowly walking towards the only path that leads to my world of emotions I'm trying to discover them. I seek and seek. But they hide so well that I don't manage to catch.

Sometimes I can pick up a tear, others a smile, a heartbeat, a dance move. They have the essence of my feelings. It's so simple to recognize and yet so hard to see, to understand, to give them shape.

Other times, they don't feel like playing. They escape my existence and go for a deep sleep in that light blue cloud in the red sky of feeling's magic land.

I walk alone on the magic path, but no matter how hard I yell, I get no responce. And when my feet hurt from walking, I sit on a rock and wish I had the magic wand of a fairy, so that I could wake them up whenever I wanted. To have just that. To need neither the music, nor the images, not the words, in order to feel all that aliveness.

I tiringly close my eyes and fall into a sweet sleep..there..at the end of the magic path. My dream is magical. Full of colours and music. Laughters, smiles, tears, wishes. Suddenly they all leave and all there's left is darkness. It frightens me in the beginning. I want to wake up. But I'm being patient and keep dreaming..and the reward is big. In a while, a shining light pears through the darkness and my dream is filled with shine, light, colours and a thousand wonderful feelings that make me fly with joy..

I wake up. I smile. I understand. I return home. And I wait! I shall feel again!

xoxo
B.

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I bought me an illusion

I gifted myself an image, 

faces trapped in mirrors of people I greedily desired.. 

I gifted myself a memory, 

a night with the radio on and sweat shining on our chests.. 

I gifted myself a love, 

I held her in my hands for a while, I played a little and then she unsashamedly climbed and snicked inside of me.. 

I gifted myself an illusion, 

that loneliness can be beared, that pain got tired, that tomorrow shall not come..

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My small, stupid, romantic soul

We undersold our dreams, our friends, our souls..
What can we do with the friends who betrayed us? What can we do with all those who betray aand hurt just like that, with no reason, with no excuse?
I don't want anymore of those and I don't want all who have been in my life with an expiration date..
I'm not a tin, I don't want tins. I want people real, who mean everything they say and don't undersell relationships special and rare..
People who mean the "i love you"s and know to appreciate the friendship that they offer and receive..
And if they sold us, I now undersell, loves and dreams, eternal friendships and words that fly..
No more fake interest, no more ego and in God's name, no more promises..
Words and hypocricy came and choked me..the glass got full and I got lost in words decorated with ribbons..
In the end, naked truth is all that is left, so much that a human soul cannot bear..
It's the complaint that is drowning me, it's that I lose all those that I've invested soul on and got lies in return..
It's that it took me long to understand and I saw the truth in front of me, shattering..
My small, stupid, romantic soul, that you feared of people and you turned fear into steps to climb and see things clearly and you faced glances that had nothing to tell you anymore..
I wonder, did they ever talk to you or was it everything a creation of your thirsty need?
We've had enough of friends who look only of themselves, we satisfied our thirst showered in wine by everything that had been heard in the name of friendship..
We undersold because circumstances imposed humility and simplicity..
What we got and what we gave, let them go to hell, someone else is gonna come..
We will sell again flourishes and superiority until the river passes and takes evrything with rabid intensity..
A bridge is gonna collapse and the past is gonna shatter..
We will wash in the running water and unwounded we shall move forward and joke ourself that nothing happened and we'll forget deepened in our routine..
We'll drown our truth into barels with the water of oblivion..
What if some people hurt and some get hurt?
For what friendship are you talking to me about?
For what endless nights were you telling me?
For what special people were you saying?
We undersell, the few that we have left, because even they have ended up in pain..
I stick with my mistakes, my "why"s and my memories...

xoxo
B.

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Silent words

I stayed up late last night..Watching the city lights from my bedroom window.. In the end, with the modern life rhythms, the hours we have for ourselves are few.. They may even be just some small, precious moments..
I don't know why, but now that summer's over and autumn is timidly making an appearance, there are times that I feel the imperative need to stay all alone, with only company the melodies and my thoughts..Every melody and a thought..Every thought and a feeling..Every feeling and the knowledge that you're still alive.. Alive in a daily routine that you can't catch. In a daily routine that princes ceased existing and men never have what you seek..
Why can't it be ok that i have the demand of someone understanding and supporting me, just like I want to do? Why can't it be ok that I have the demand of someone listening to the words I'll never tell? How far away from us is PERFECT? Or is it that we just haven't opened our eyes to see it?
How hard do we make our own life? Or is it really hard? Sometimes I think I live behind the world. In a world that men care to search for your soul.. I live in the back world and believe me it is VERY BEAUTIFUL..
Maybe a little lonely and melancholic..just until you find what you're looking for..Until you realise that nothing comes in our life for no reason. That if, even at the most bitter moment you have the courage to breathe, you will have found the way to turn every melodrama of your life into an operrete.
When i was younger, i couldn't understand why i shoul dnot behave badly, offer whenever i could and mostly love with no conditions, no criterias and arrangements.
Now, i have finally found myself. I got of course "screwed" a lot of times, but I've learned that even with my wings broken, I still can fly. Even if they have hurt me..Even if I've been alone sometimes..I have found what had been hiding inside of me. The most chosen essence of my soul..
Now all that is left to receive, is the most beautiful present that can be offered to you. A love with an eternal rhythm, endless like the music and invincible..

xoxo
B.

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Loss came and became a habit

I was once again left with the pen in my hand, looking at a blank piece of paper. I had nothing to say, nothing to write, as if my inside just emptied and the words couldn't fit in my void. I don't know if it was the words that seemed poor or the void that was refusing to get filled.

Loss came and became a habit...

Loss..What did I have to lose and what did I lose that I didn't have? It seems like the desert and the tear that drops burns the cheeks, the eyes stink, but I keep staring at the emptiness waiting for nothing.

It's not guilt, it's fear. The fear that makes the mind get stuck and the soul to empty. The fear that defeated romance, love, came to the heart and made her bleed. Like a modern fairytale that doesn't always have a happy and envious ending. An ending that symbolizes the beginning of the isolation, and what stays is the loss...

I don't want to see the ending that I caused...

I want to stay here, looking at the blank piece of paper...

xoxo
B.

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