Forbidden feelings

I though that at some point I would be old enough, not just in age, but in feelings too..so that I can control them..So that I'll be able to instruct when they will react, grow and become alive..For many years, I believed I had managed..I thought I was in total control..Maybe it sounds strange coming from me, as I was always telling everyone that we must live our emotions and let them free...

But deep inside, I knew very well, that I too was the victim of a particular ideology since my childhood..I consciously fought it cause it was something I didn't like..But in the end the childish soul and mind are perfect to build and define what you want for the future of human relationships..Very few get away from what others have instructed as right and wrong.. You live, you grow always guided by the moral rules and the ideology you've been taught..

And yet..sometime you start talking to him..nothing special..just a simple small talk..And the fourth dimension curves and at some point you realize that that simple talk is lasting much more, it's being painted by the colour of flirt and has created an unconscious addiction that leads to everyday communication.. Your breath is waiting every day for his first reaction to get into rhythm again..A message from him and the obvious universal chaos becomes a logical continuity..You travel along the universe..without feeling the loss of homeland..it's a journey that you want more and more..a journey that you seek..

It reminds you of when you were a child and you were eating those candies..you never got bored of them..one more and I'm done you said..but you weren't..you wanted one more..and one more.. And suddenly, like you made a leap in time, you're in the street...at night...after dinner...on a hot autumn night...And there he is...in front of you...looking you in the eyes...Next moment you were tasting love on his lips...In a kiss like a swirl that doesn't however cause you fear, but instead makes you let yourself free to enjoy the influence it has on you...on your thoughts, on your body, on your emotions...You don't hear something breaking...you don;t feel something demolishing...it does what you've always dreamt it would...You let your feelings guide you...and now...this moment you are living them...You don't caer about the consequences...Let them be whatever...what you're living now would have been lost...

You softly bite his lips, your tongues slowly, erotically touch each other, your lips explore...and all those become so naturally...they fit so perfectly to the moment, to you, to him...You pull back and slowly open your eyes like coming back from a dream...and he is right there...You just realize that there's another world...beyond the one they had built for you and you had just found the way in...At first it blinds you...you shut your eyes until you get used and when you can see clearly again you stay there...dazed, looking at what is spread in front of you...You're trying to photograph well in your memory everything you see, cause in a while you'll have to pull back from that beautiful new world...

You don't want to...but you have to...you walk with your back towards the door not wanting to lose anything...The door shuts right there in front of you...but your heart is already in...and that's where it belongs...She will guide you into exploring this new world....next time....

xoxo
B.

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Love with words...

I'm trying to find a way to start writing all those feelings I have for you, but it's so damn hard..How can I really describe them?! Words filling my head..creating a chaos, desperately trying to get on paper...

Every word has the same meaning..to describe with the same intensity all those feelings...How can I give you their image? Words seem to be so little compared to what's inside my heart...I'm in love with you...the only phrase that carries it all inside....

And yet, when I tell you I have the impression it doesn't sound as intense as what I really feel...no matter how I say it, no matter how loud I yell...I'll never be able to imprint the intensity of my emotions..

If I could touch you the moment I'm telling you I'm in love with you, you would feel me..If I could look you in the eyes, you would understand me..If I could kiss you touching your lips, you would sense me..If I could make love with you, you would taste me..

And then? Then our "communication" would disappear again and I would still be looking for a way to tell you how much in love I am...but I can't stop feeling it. The words coming out of my mouth or my touch may end at some point..but how I feel about you won't...it's continuous...never-ending...

That's why I decided to write to you..I'm writing it and it stays forever..I'm writing it and it becomes alive by all those who'll read it..it'll remain there..it'll wait..alive...

Every heart that will beat differently reading my I love you will connect with my heartbeat and make it stronger..Every tear that will be shed by those who read will conect with mine and make my need for you bigger...Every shiver that will run through the bodies of those that whisper the words I write will connect with mine and make the feeling of your presence more intense...

I close my eyes and imagine you here..The quietness that surrounds me is similar to the one when you hold me tight in your arms..and yet, it's not the same..it lacks your heartbeat, your smell, your touch..And yet, you are not there but I still tremble..I keep my eyes closed...I don't see you...I see emotions...but I feel your presence...

I'm lost in a cloud of colours and feelings..I'm afraid to open my eyes in case I lose you..I'm anxious..how will I ever be able to express all these? How could I give you all those that I feel? I want them to be yours..cause you make my feelings arise..you're the reason..you're the source..they belong to you...

Love, agony, lust, waiting...they all have your perfume, your taste, are unique..don't fit to anyone else...

I can write 5 words...or keep writing until my ink finishes..And it'll still won't be enough to tell you how I feel..So I'll let this get in the minds and the hearts of all those who'll read it..so that it'll grow..and will live forever..like the wind that never stops..

I will let you wander in everybody's hearts and become the image of the right partner for each..they'll know that I've found him..and what they're looking for is what could never become mine....

xoxo
B.

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