Forbidden feelings

I though that at some point I would be old enough, not just in age, but in feelings too..so that I can control them..So that I'll be able to instruct when they will react, grow and become alive..For many years, I believed I had managed..I thought I was in total control..Maybe it sounds strange coming from me, as I was always telling everyone that we must live our emotions and let them free...

But deep inside, I knew very well, that I too was the victim of a particular ideology since my childhood..I consciously fought it cause it was something I didn't like..But in the end the childish soul and mind are perfect to build and define what you want for the future of human relationships..Very few get away from what others have instructed as right and wrong.. You live, you grow always guided by the moral rules and the ideology you've been taught..

And yet..sometime you start talking to him..nothing special..just a simple small talk..And the fourth dimension curves and at some point you realize that that simple talk is lasting much more, it's being painted by the colour of flirt and has created an unconscious addiction that leads to everyday communication.. Your breath is waiting every day for his first reaction to get into rhythm again..A message from him and the obvious universal chaos becomes a logical continuity..You travel along the universe..without feeling the loss of homeland..it's a journey that you want more and more..a journey that you seek..

It reminds you of when you were a child and you were eating those candies..you never got bored of them..one more and I'm done you said..but you weren't..you wanted one more..and one more.. And suddenly, like you made a leap in time, you're in the street...at night...after dinner...on a hot autumn night...And there he is...in front of you...looking you in the eyes...Next moment you were tasting love on his lips...In a kiss like a swirl that doesn't however cause you fear, but instead makes you let yourself free to enjoy the influence it has on you...on your thoughts, on your body, on your emotions...You don't hear something breaking...you don;t feel something demolishing...it does what you've always dreamt it would...You let your feelings guide you...and now...this moment you are living them...You don't caer about the consequences...Let them be whatever...what you're living now would have been lost...

You softly bite his lips, your tongues slowly, erotically touch each other, your lips explore...and all those become so naturally...they fit so perfectly to the moment, to you, to him...You pull back and slowly open your eyes like coming back from a dream...and he is right there...You just realize that there's another world...beyond the one they had built for you and you had just found the way in...At first it blinds you...you shut your eyes until you get used and when you can see clearly again you stay there...dazed, looking at what is spread in front of you...You're trying to photograph well in your memory everything you see, cause in a while you'll have to pull back from that beautiful new world...

You don't want to...but you have to...you walk with your back towards the door not wanting to lose anything...The door shuts right there in front of you...but your heart is already in...and that's where it belongs...She will guide you into exploring this new world....next time....

xoxo
B.

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Loss came and became a habit

I was once again left with the pen in my hand, looking at a blank piece of paper. I had nothing to say, nothing to write, as if my inside just emptied and the words couldn't fit in my void. I don't know if it was the words that seemed poor or the void that was refusing to get filled.

Loss came and became a habit...

Loss..What did I have to lose and what did I lose that I didn't have? It seems like the desert and the tear that drops burns the cheeks, the eyes stink, but I keep staring at the emptiness waiting for nothing.

It's not guilt, it's fear. The fear that makes the mind get stuck and the soul to empty. The fear that defeated romance, love, came to the heart and made her bleed. Like a modern fairytale that doesn't always have a happy and envious ending. An ending that symbolizes the beginning of the isolation, and what stays is the loss...

I don't want to see the ending that I caused...

I want to stay here, looking at the blank piece of paper...

xoxo
B.

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Climb For Cancer 2012 Challenge - Lyla Nsouli Foundation

For the last couple of days, I’ve been trying to think of how to start this post…I finally decided to let you in and share a few personal details…

When you’re a kid, you think that you own the world. You’re fierce and invincible!! Nothing and no one can stop you.. You have little knowledge of life and your limited experiences cannot make you understand how bad things can ever occur to you or your loved ones..

I was almost 6 yrs old when the first incident of illness occurred in my family. He was 4 and diagnosed with leukemia. Things moved rapidly after that.. A lot of pain, tons of medicine, broken arteries that couldn’t handle any more needles, a lot of sorrow, many whys…

Why would God take a child? Why?? What could he have done wrong? Why would He make him suffer such a great amount of pain?

I remember our last moments together. He was out of the hospital, but his health was very fragile. I stood out in the balcony, and he was on the inside, with a glass door among us…touching hands, connecting souls, telling to each other all those things that didn’t need words..

A few days later, an infection took him back to the hospital..He never returned home..But he always remains in our hearts and in our minds.. That was my cousin..more like a brother..

Almost 19 yrs later, illness strikes again.. After a routine check-up, my mum is diagnosed with breast cancer. I will never ever forget the moments I stood at the doc’s office..all alone, hearing the news..

I returned home and all I could think about was how on earth am I going to tell her? I was trying to hide it sooo badly, but I know she could just feel the vibes and see in my eyes all those things that my mouth couldn’t say..

She had a mastectomy, and did 5 yrs of hormone therapy. She was of the lucky ones..

You’ll probably wonder by now, why the hell is she telling us all these things?? Does she really wanna just ruin our day?? No…that is surely not my intention..

I’m just trying to make you understand that cancer can knock on anyone’s door.. When you least expect it.. At whatever age.. No matter how healthy you are.. No matter how much life you have inside your soul.. No matter how strong your spirit is.. No matter how much positive energy you give to the universe..

At the times that my mum was sick, I found great relief and inspiration through volunteer groups who stood by people who were fighting cancer. Words cannot really describe how much I owe to them..

Ever since, I’ve become an active volunteer myself. Other times through donations, other through personal time and effort. Why do I do it? Through the years, and my personal life experiences, I’ve grown to understand that in the end we aren’t gonna be judged by the knowledge we have, and the money we have, and the car we possess, and the house we own, and the fancy clothes we wear. We are gonna be judged by the amount of love, of respect, of compassion, of kindness we give to others. Developing our determination, we will learn that it is in giving that we truly receive.

In my personal journey of contributing to humanity, I’ve been truly blessed and utterly honored to have met a man with a heart full of grace, with a soul generated by love. A young man with vision, with dreams, with greatness, thoroughly devoted to the happiness of others. Looking at him, you can see a certain strength of character and an unshakable resolve.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." is one of the quotes that I think characterizes him completely..

Driven by his love for the outdoors and adventure and his eagerness to help others, Nizar Fakhoury, a 31 year old Lebanese, founded “Climb For Cancer” - a non-profit organization, based in Dubai, UAE. They encourage amateur hikers, climbers and adventure enthusiasts to climb mountain peaks around the world in an effort to raise money for children suffering from cancer. The climbers fund their own trips and are responsible for covering all their personal costs themselves including tickets, equipment and hiking expenses. This ensures that 100% of the donations raised goes towards the treatment of cancer patients who are being supported.

In 2010, they trekked to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro, in support of 2 children suffering from cancer.

In 2011, they trekked to Everest Base Camp and climbed Island Peak in Nepal, in support of 5 children suffering from cancer.

This year, they will be climbing to the summit of Mt. Elbrus, the highest peak in Europe, in order to raise funds for the Lyla Nsouli Foundation for Children’s Brain Cancer Research, in honor of Lyla Nadim Nsouli,  a gorgeous 3 year old angel, who passed away from DIPG brain cancer on January 24, 2012.

Please take a minute to visit their “Climb for Cancer” fundraising page.

www.justgiving.com/cfcc

Remember that no donation is a small one. Even a dollar can make a difference. But, even if you don’t want to, or aren’t able to donate, please share and spread the word.

Take some time to also visit Lyla Nsouli Foundation’s webpage : http://www.lylansoulifoundation.org/


And Climb for Cancer's Facebook Page : http://www.facebook.com/climbforcancer/

“From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.”

Thank you all so very much!!

xoxo

B.

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