I want...

Someone told me that life is much simpler than what I imagine..That I just have to decide what I want to do with the time given to me. Very optimistic opinion..quite encouraging. Reminds me I have control, that I define my destiny and I have the power to accomplish anything, as long as I truly want it. "Time being given to me". This is what I have..
How strange is time..So simple and daily I think I know everything about it. Einstein taught me about its relativity. Hawking took me on a journey to its chronicle. Theories capable to alter my opinion on the universe, creation, life, even on my own self. Knowledge is undoubtedly a great conquer, but sometimes ignorance is a blessing. I don't want to rule the universe, the stars and the cosmo-theories.
My eye catches the laptop clock. Even if I don't entirely know what time is, I sit here watching seconds pass me by. A black hole that devours my time...slowly steals what's been given to me. I've lost enough..so let me get back to my goal.
"Time being given to me". This is what I have..I look at the same sentence over and over again. I realize it has a riddle even harder than time itself.. "Being given to me"...
That clearly declares that there's sth behind it all. Someone must have given it to me. Who was so nice to me to give me that chance? What have I done to deserve it and what price is there to pay? Is there a right and wrong way to manage my gift and if yes how am I going to discover it? Do I really define my own destiny or am I an observer to my act, with my world as the background and my life as the script? In which chess board am I the pawn that moves forward only and fights hoping it will one day become the queen?
I get lost in my thoughts again..Why can't I ever control my mind and focus on what I want to say? I just need to decide what I want to do with what was given to me. I don't care who or why..
"Decide what I want to do"..that is the target.
How easy it seems..I wonder how I hadn't thought of it earlier. The whole truth, the mystery of life summed up in one simple sentence. Anything I want is around me, waiting for me. I just need to have strong will and faith in my capabilities to get it. I just need to cease the day, to grab the chance. I can do that. How stupid I've been for so long. Why did I have to wait so much to discover this? Now I know..I have but to decide what I want to do with the time given to me. Words in this sentence are so powerful that I'm shaken. A slap on my face that woke me up..
"Decide what I want to do"..that is the target. So..WHAT is it that I want to do??
Eyes look at the clock again. How much time passed since I asked me what I want to do? No..I won't let my mind fall in the same trap again. I'll count time in another way. A glass of wine. That is how long it has been. And in the meantime, dozens of thoughts..All of my desires, all of my wishes. Why haven't I been able to write any of them down? Why do I find it so hard to answer? The question is so simple..what do I want to do in my life..Why haven't I been able to write some of the things I've thought of? What prevented me from doing that?
The glass gets filled with wine from the village again and the fingers touch the keyboard..
"Decide what I want". That is the target. So what do i want?
The clock keeps counting time in its own special way. It keeps slowly and steadily swallowing my precious time, the gift I was given. I realize my first thoughts when listening to the question didn't manage to find a place in this text for a simple reason. That the first spontaneous reaction of my mind was covering basic needs and urges. A subconscious reaction instictively made. Things, people and situations that could make me joyfull, but not happy. Some of them I already have. Some I might never get. It doesn't really matter. Nobody asked me what I want to have, but what I want to do. I've lost the target once again..
I have but to decide what I want to do with the time that's been given to me. I bring in my head the image of the guy who asked me. Calm, serene, wise, makes you think he knows everything. I can read his mind..what was he going to tell me if he could read mine..

"Pff..what do you FINALLY want???"

I want to stand in front of me and be able to look me in the eyes, without ever look down out of shame..
I want to find the strength to keep smiling, even when my eyes are crying..
I want to keep standing and look straight in the eyes of those who hurt me..
I want to find answers to give to my heart each time she asks me "why?"
I want to be strong enough to remain loyal to my beliefs..to honor them..
And if I leave this world with nothing..to at least save my soul..

Mum do you hear? Dad? I want to not let a day go by that I won't show u my love. To not let my mind forget even for a moment the immeasurable gratitude for all the things you have done for me..

Do you hear my friend? I want to be next to you to your sorrows and your joys. To be there when you fall, to give you my hand and pick you up. To carry your burdens on my shoulders and make you rest.

And you, my sweet prince, that you look me in the eyes and ask me what do I want, do you hear?
I want to open my arms, to hug you and hide you there from everything that frightens you. To heal your wounds, to warm your heart, to make your pain mine.. To fill you with colors, sounds, smells and tastes. To give to you the most beautiful thing I have, all these hidden inside me, waiting for you to come and take..

And from you, life, for me I want these..
I want a horse strong as the earth and fast as the wind.
A shiny sword like a star in flames and loyal like the best of friends. An armour light as a feather and resistant like the skin of a dragon. I want you to travel me to sinful worlds, with creatures full of hatred and evil. Where I will know who is my enemy, with what I'm fighting and what I'm trying to win..

xoxo B.