Loss came and became a habit

I was once again left with the pen in my hand, looking at a blank piece of paper. I had nothing to say, nothing to write, as if my inside just emptied and the words couldn't fit in my void. I don't know if it was the words that seemed poor or the void that was refusing to get filled.

Loss came and became a habit...

Loss..What did I have to lose and what did I lose that I didn't have? It seems like the desert and the tear that drops burns the cheeks, the eyes stink, but I keep staring at the emptiness waiting for nothing.

It's not guilt, it's fear. The fear that makes the mind get stuck and the soul to empty. The fear that defeated romance, love, came to the heart and made her bleed. Like a modern fairytale that doesn't always have a happy and envious ending. An ending that symbolizes the beginning of the isolation, and what stays is the loss...

I don't want to see the ending that I caused...

I want to stay here, looking at the blank piece of paper...

xoxo
B.

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It's payback...

She's almost ready. A last brush on her hair and off she goes. She looks at her watch. Where is he? He's late. The phone ringing interrupts her thoughts. She picks up.

- Hey baby.
- Hey. Where are you? I'm ready and waiting.
- You know...I won't be able to make it. I had a sudden business meeting, a client I should definitely meet.
 
She frowns, but doesn't show.
- Ok! That's fine. We'll talk tomorrow.

Fine, it's ok. Sh*t happen. But she's determined not to let this ruin her mood. She'll go out anyway.

She goes to the usual bar, with that rock music she loves. She enters, greets some friends and then suddenly...she sees him. He's sitting at the bar with a blonde little bimbo giglling, hanging on him while he leaves a kiss on her lips.

Their eyes cross and he seems to freeze. He loses it, but she just sends a casual nod. Turns her back and keeps talking with her friends. In seconds she sees him grab Barbie and rush out.

Next day the phone just keeps ringing. She finally answers after a couple of days with a lazy "Yeeeees..."

- Hey baby! Where have you been lost all these days?
- Who is this?
- What do you mean who is this???!!! How many people call you "baby"?
- Aaaaaah...Hey, what's up?
- What do you mean what's up? I asked you a question and you didn't answer!
- I, on the other hand, don't remember asking you anything, although I should.

 ................................................

 Silence... Awkardness...

- Are you talking about the other night? My business meeting got cancelled babe and I went out with a childhood friend.
- ΟΚ.
- What does Ok mean? Don't you believe me?
- Of course...of course i believe you. Besides, that's why I didn't even ask you.
- Are we going out?
- Certainly.

She devoted three hours to get ready. When she finally finished, the outcome was at least provocative. Black dress with a mao neck, and on the back a V opening starting from the shoulders until right below the waist, carefully hidden by the long wavy hair. High heels make her 1.75+.

He sees her and remains in shock. She looks at him and laughs inside, doing everything possible to challenge him.

And the night flows magically....

- Baby, it's 2 am. Shall we go?
- Yes, but where?
- Do you want to go to my place?

She smiles and gives him a kiss.

Arriving home, she takes off her shoes and starts unzipping her dress going towards the bathroom. She returns with a towel wrapped around her body and water drops shining on her skin.
She sits on him, grabs his hands and "locks" them behind his head.

- Today..is my game.

She starts exploring him from the tips of his fingers down to his face, his chest, his belly, between his legs... Wherever her fingers pass, her tongue follows. His breath becomes heavy, irregular. She plays with him and right before the end, stops. She brings him in new levels of pleasure, making him feel like he had never before. She watches him losing control, hears him moan, talk incoherently, fully surrender. She pushes him inside her and starts moving gently. She picks up the rhythm and stops, only to start all the way from the beginning. She keeps holding his hands over his head. Her hair fall on his chest and his face, but he doesn't understand anything. He lives with every pore of his existence the ultimate pleasure.

She starts moving faster and suddenly she remains completely still. He opens his eyes wondering, ready to ask: "why?" but doesn't have the time. She tightens her muscles, locking him again and again and again. The wondering trasforms into a long "aaaaaahhh!!!!" as he finishes.

She lets him calm and gets up. Takes the towel and moves towards the bathroom.

- Where are you going?
- I'll have a shower and be back.

She lets the water running and gets dressed. Opens the door slowly and returns in the room. He listens to the water and is surprised seeing her dressed in front of him. He looks at her dreamily approaching him. If the dictionary had a picture under the word surprrise, it would definitely be his.

She raises the ashtray and leaves a euro-bill underneath.
- I should normally ask for change, because your "services" aren't worth that much. But tonight, I'm in a good mood, so never mind. Keep it.

She turns her back, opens the door and slowly closes it behind her.

Tonight’s the night I shed my wicked soul...

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I want...

Someone told me that life is much simpler than what I imagine..That I just have to decide what I want to do with the time given to me. Very optimistic opinion..quite encouraging. Reminds me I have control, that I define my destiny and I have the power to accomplish anything, as long as I truly want it. "Time being given to me". This is what I have..
How strange is time..So simple and daily I think I know everything about it. Einstein taught me about its relativity. Hawking took me on a journey to its chronicle. Theories capable to alter my opinion on the universe, creation, life, even on my own self. Knowledge is undoubtedly a great conquer, but sometimes ignorance is a blessing. I don't want to rule the universe, the stars and the cosmo-theories.
My eye catches the laptop clock. Even if I don't entirely know what time is, I sit here watching seconds pass me by. A black hole that devours my time...slowly steals what's been given to me. I've lost enough..so let me get back to my goal.
"Time being given to me". This is what I have..I look at the same sentence over and over again. I realize it has a riddle even harder than time itself.. "Being given to me"...
That clearly declares that there's sth behind it all. Someone must have given it to me. Who was so nice to me to give me that chance? What have I done to deserve it and what price is there to pay? Is there a right and wrong way to manage my gift and if yes how am I going to discover it? Do I really define my own destiny or am I an observer to my act, with my world as the background and my life as the script? In which chess board am I the pawn that moves forward only and fights hoping it will one day become the queen?
I get lost in my thoughts again..Why can't I ever control my mind and focus on what I want to say? I just need to decide what I want to do with what was given to me. I don't care who or why..
"Decide what I want to do"..that is the target.
How easy it seems..I wonder how I hadn't thought of it earlier. The whole truth, the mystery of life summed up in one simple sentence. Anything I want is around me, waiting for me. I just need to have strong will and faith in my capabilities to get it. I just need to cease the day, to grab the chance. I can do that. How stupid I've been for so long. Why did I have to wait so much to discover this? Now I know..I have but to decide what I want to do with the time given to me. Words in this sentence are so powerful that I'm shaken. A slap on my face that woke me up..
"Decide what I want to do"..that is the target. So..WHAT is it that I want to do??
Eyes look at the clock again. How much time passed since I asked me what I want to do? No..I won't let my mind fall in the same trap again. I'll count time in another way. A glass of wine. That is how long it has been. And in the meantime, dozens of thoughts..All of my desires, all of my wishes. Why haven't I been able to write any of them down? Why do I find it so hard to answer? The question is so simple..what do I want to do in my life..Why haven't I been able to write some of the things I've thought of? What prevented me from doing that?
The glass gets filled with wine from the village again and the fingers touch the keyboard..
"Decide what I want". That is the target. So what do i want?
The clock keeps counting time in its own special way. It keeps slowly and steadily swallowing my precious time, the gift I was given. I realize my first thoughts when listening to the question didn't manage to find a place in this text for a simple reason. That the first spontaneous reaction of my mind was covering basic needs and urges. A subconscious reaction instictively made. Things, people and situations that could make me joyfull, but not happy. Some of them I already have. Some I might never get. It doesn't really matter. Nobody asked me what I want to have, but what I want to do. I've lost the target once again..
I have but to decide what I want to do with the time that's been given to me. I bring in my head the image of the guy who asked me. Calm, serene, wise, makes you think he knows everything. I can read his mind..what was he going to tell me if he could read mine..

"Pff..what do you FINALLY want???"

I want to stand in front of me and be able to look me in the eyes, without ever look down out of shame..
I want to find the strength to keep smiling, even when my eyes are crying..
I want to keep standing and look straight in the eyes of those who hurt me..
I want to find answers to give to my heart each time she asks me "why?"
I want to be strong enough to remain loyal to my beliefs..to honor them..
And if I leave this world with nothing..to at least save my soul..

Mum do you hear? Dad? I want to not let a day go by that I won't show u my love. To not let my mind forget even for a moment the immeasurable gratitude for all the things you have done for me..

Do you hear my friend? I want to be next to you to your sorrows and your joys. To be there when you fall, to give you my hand and pick you up. To carry your burdens on my shoulders and make you rest.

And you, my sweet prince, that you look me in the eyes and ask me what do I want, do you hear?
I want to open my arms, to hug you and hide you there from everything that frightens you. To heal your wounds, to warm your heart, to make your pain mine.. To fill you with colors, sounds, smells and tastes. To give to you the most beautiful thing I have, all these hidden inside me, waiting for you to come and take..

And from you, life, for me I want these..
I want a horse strong as the earth and fast as the wind.
A shiny sword like a star in flames and loyal like the best of friends. An armour light as a feather and resistant like the skin of a dragon. I want you to travel me to sinful worlds, with creatures full of hatred and evil. Where I will know who is my enemy, with what I'm fighting and what I'm trying to win..

xoxo B.

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Dolls never cry...

Dolls never cry... They are tired. Tears have dried. Besides, who would want a doll with tears? This isn't why they exist. Those baby-toys were made for crying. Pencil soldiers were made for pain. Puppies with sad eyes and shaking tails were made for compassion.

Dolls never cry... Their cheeks are carefully covered with blush. On their lips red lipstick shines. Their beaded, silky long dresses are bright clean and smell freshness.

Their eyes! Their beautiful shiny eyes, locked in the castle of black eyelashes, are so bright!

Dolls never cry...

If they do, the tear will escape from the castle and will become black from makeup. During its journey, it will destroy the blush, ruin the lipstick and stain the silky dress.

This is why dolls always have a stone heart. A heart so strong, capable of holding inside an entire, fierce ocean of tears...and a hope...

That someday dresses are gonna get old, shiny hair are gonna get dull. And then, two hands are gonna throw them in a dark corner.

And there... they're gonna cry. They're gonna cry a lot. Tears will make them beautiful! Really beautiful! Alive! Real!!!

xoxo
B.

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Climb For Cancer 2012 Challenge - Lyla Nsouli Foundation

For the last couple of days, I’ve been trying to think of how to start this post…I finally decided to let you in and share a few personal details…

When you’re a kid, you think that you own the world. You’re fierce and invincible!! Nothing and no one can stop you.. You have little knowledge of life and your limited experiences cannot make you understand how bad things can ever occur to you or your loved ones..

I was almost 6 yrs old when the first incident of illness occurred in my family. He was 4 and diagnosed with leukemia. Things moved rapidly after that.. A lot of pain, tons of medicine, broken arteries that couldn’t handle any more needles, a lot of sorrow, many whys…

Why would God take a child? Why?? What could he have done wrong? Why would He make him suffer such a great amount of pain?

I remember our last moments together. He was out of the hospital, but his health was very fragile. I stood out in the balcony, and he was on the inside, with a glass door among us…touching hands, connecting souls, telling to each other all those things that didn’t need words..

A few days later, an infection took him back to the hospital..He never returned home..But he always remains in our hearts and in our minds.. That was my cousin..more like a brother..

Almost 19 yrs later, illness strikes again.. After a routine check-up, my mum is diagnosed with breast cancer. I will never ever forget the moments I stood at the doc’s office..all alone, hearing the news..

I returned home and all I could think about was how on earth am I going to tell her? I was trying to hide it sooo badly, but I know she could just feel the vibes and see in my eyes all those things that my mouth couldn’t say..

She had a mastectomy, and did 5 yrs of hormone therapy. She was of the lucky ones..

You’ll probably wonder by now, why the hell is she telling us all these things?? Does she really wanna just ruin our day?? No…that is surely not my intention..

I’m just trying to make you understand that cancer can knock on anyone’s door.. When you least expect it.. At whatever age.. No matter how healthy you are.. No matter how much life you have inside your soul.. No matter how strong your spirit is.. No matter how much positive energy you give to the universe..

At the times that my mum was sick, I found great relief and inspiration through volunteer groups who stood by people who were fighting cancer. Words cannot really describe how much I owe to them..

Ever since, I’ve become an active volunteer myself. Other times through donations, other through personal time and effort. Why do I do it? Through the years, and my personal life experiences, I’ve grown to understand that in the end we aren’t gonna be judged by the knowledge we have, and the money we have, and the car we possess, and the house we own, and the fancy clothes we wear. We are gonna be judged by the amount of love, of respect, of compassion, of kindness we give to others. Developing our determination, we will learn that it is in giving that we truly receive.

In my personal journey of contributing to humanity, I’ve been truly blessed and utterly honored to have met a man with a heart full of grace, with a soul generated by love. A young man with vision, with dreams, with greatness, thoroughly devoted to the happiness of others. Looking at him, you can see a certain strength of character and an unshakable resolve.
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." is one of the quotes that I think characterizes him completely..

Driven by his love for the outdoors and adventure and his eagerness to help others, Nizar Fakhoury, a 31 year old Lebanese, founded “Climb For Cancer” - a non-profit organization, based in Dubai, UAE. They encourage amateur hikers, climbers and adventure enthusiasts to climb mountain peaks around the world in an effort to raise money for children suffering from cancer. The climbers fund their own trips and are responsible for covering all their personal costs themselves including tickets, equipment and hiking expenses. This ensures that 100% of the donations raised goes towards the treatment of cancer patients who are being supported.

In 2010, they trekked to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro, in support of 2 children suffering from cancer.

In 2011, they trekked to Everest Base Camp and climbed Island Peak in Nepal, in support of 5 children suffering from cancer.

This year, they will be climbing to the summit of Mt. Elbrus, the highest peak in Europe, in order to raise funds for the Lyla Nsouli Foundation for Children’s Brain Cancer Research, in honor of Lyla Nadim Nsouli,  a gorgeous 3 year old angel, who passed away from DIPG brain cancer on January 24, 2012.

Please take a minute to visit their “Climb for Cancer” fundraising page.

www.justgiving.com/cfcc

Remember that no donation is a small one. Even a dollar can make a difference. But, even if you don’t want to, or aren’t able to donate, please share and spread the word.

Take some time to also visit Lyla Nsouli Foundation’s webpage : http://www.lylansoulifoundation.org/


And Climb for Cancer's Facebook Page : http://www.facebook.com/climbforcancer/

“From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.”

Thank you all so very much!!

xoxo

B.

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Know me..

...Don't try to become my friend. I deserve something more. Know me. Maybe we can become friends. Don't help me even if that makes you feel good. Ask me if I need your help. Don't admire me. The desire to live a full life doesn't justify worship. Don't tell, don't correct, don't guide. Listen, support, follow. Don't work on me. Work with me...

xoxo
B.

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Stay still...

There are times when you want to relax your body, calm your soul and put your thoughts in order.. You're trying to steal away moments from your daily routine, in order to devote them to yourself, but something always stops you. A strange thought that forges into your mind, a phone call that you regret answering, an unexpected visit, which makes you wish you had the lights off. You are trying to find yourself but you can't...they don't let you! So what do you do? Simple...you leave...
You gather a few clothes and get in a train, airplane, bus or your car..You enjoy the ride with the different colour variations of the road and you stop to the first place that will make you feel most at home, most beautiful, most relaxed. You stop to a place where nobody knows you, where nobody can start a conversation you don't want to.
You turn your mobile off and reveal the whole truth to yourself. The good ones, the bad ones, the mistakes you made, the right choices, the feelings, everything! You present yourself without hiding anything. You empty your past, you live your present, so that you can love and live your future.
"Lick your loneliness like a dog that licks its wound and listen to the ice cold quietness" And then...
And then...let your senses be conquered by the sounds, the images, the lights, the voices of the children, of the grownups, of the sea, of the moon.
Free your being and let the wind whisper words unsaid, sweet, tender, strong, intense, but above all clean!!!
Let the stars make a conspiracy with the universe to each protect you from above, there...in the middle of nowhere!!
Let yourself to all the things that you couldn't, didn't want to or were afraid of. Let yourself to a world unknown, unique, wonderful like two bodies becoming one, hugged, in complete harmony. All this world is...YOU...know him!

xoxo
B.

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